An attempt..

Alright.

I have put together few words that came to my mind. I dont have the courage to call this a poem, but a distant kin of it probably.  Read this and please tell me if I should continue my attempts or should i better put down my pen??

Friends and friendship

- My soul keepers..

That day still remains fresh

As engraved on hard rock.

My first day there.

A stranger among million strangers.

Time passed, seasons changed,

Somewhere along the way

Some became the lamps of my life.

Like a street lamp

Guiding a lost traveler,

They held my hand and led me.

The moments with them ,

The  greenest patches of my life.

All those fun, the teasing, the fights.

All bring a bittersweet smile to my lips

And a tear to my eyes.

The thought of parting

Is weighing down heavily in my heart.

Keeping the memories alive,

I live on…

Good old days….

For days I have been trying to write something.  I cannot think of a single thing to write about. Its then that it struck me. The most colourful and vibrant part of my life has just come to an end. I am not a college girl anymore. My life now has become just a dull existence.

I knew I will miss my college days, but never had I imagined that it will leave this deep dark hole in my heart. It was just yesterday that I entered this college as a fresher, but its already time to bid goodbye. I am stringing each word in this blog with an aching heart. This might not make an interesting read but that’s how I feel now.

Each and every moment of last four years is still vivid in my memory. First year went of in a flurry of introductions. Gradually people with similar frequency gravitated and formed a gang. My gang!! We were referred as the rowdy gang by staffs. But basically we were a bunch of sweet gals you know, seriously.!! Not a day had gone by without one of us being the object of wrath of some staff. Be it sleeping in class or updating latest gossip among ourselves in hushed voices or messaging with mobiles carefully hidden under desk. we have been there, done that. Over the years we learnt to fool the staffs by carefully schooling our expressions and giving a picture of demure students listening with utmost concentration as soon as staff turned towards us. When we didn’t have class, you can find us romping off in college corridors laughing, scowling at the bothersome mech guys or silently scanning the grounds for a glimpse of any handsome hunks  and of course the canteen, the word itself is self explanatory so there is no need to explain further about its position in our college life. Okay okay, I know I am raving about college as if I am the first to graduate ever, bear with my gibberish. It is just that I can’t find the right words to explain my emotion.

I wouldn’t say that my college is the best college. But it sure has given me the best four years. The Aneena who is leaving college now is not the same person who joined here four years ago. The experiences here made me the person I am today. It molded me and sometimes bend me to make me fit to live in this world. Whenever I turn back and reminisce, all the memories leave me with a smile on my lips, even the memories that made me cry at one point.

Race!!!!!!!!!!!

At times ,I would just like to take off!! Go somewhere,be someone else… Something , anything to get away from this rat race of a life. Sometimes the pressure, expectations, responsibilities becomes so unbearable that I would just like to scream my lungs out and runaway to some far away island. Or another planet is much preferable I guess!!!!

If you are one of those kinds who opine that a student’s life is a piece of cake, I would say YOU ARE WRONG!!! DEAD WRONG!!!

Even at kindergarten, one is not left to their own devices.  A compulsion to score more, gain a better rank, a push to be best in everything that we do .The simple pleasures of a child like dance and music is denied by making it a competition.

It feels like I have been running a race from the day ‘one’. Getting into a good school in itself is a massive feat- 10^th, 12^th, entry to a reputed college… – all hurdles along the race. I have somehow crossed these hurdles, sometimes stumbling, sometimes knocking of the hurdle from its way. I have somehow come through, with few bruises to show, not entirely unscathed.

Now I am being forced to face the ultimate hurdle!!!

The placement!!!!

This being the recession period and all, much difficulty in getting a placement is anticipated. I, being one among the unfortunate many belonging to the 2010 batch- the unluckiest batch ever recorded- was drowning in the unchartered waters with nowhere to swim. All my efforts were put in just to keep my head up. Nothing more.

As if the situation is not worse enough, many self appointed well wishers will appear, putting their big nose where it doesn’t belong. GOD!!!!! What is it with them??   Their advices just grate on my skin. Their pitying glance strips me of all come backs.  What do they care if I land a job or end up in the slums?? Ain’t it my life??

Soooo, I was filled with anxiety on the day of my interview. When I sat  down to crack the aptitude round, my stomach quivered with butterfly attack. The faces of numerous people counting on me and yet another group of faces , waiting for me to fail, loomed in front of me. The test was tough and when I came out of the hall, my hope of clearing it was nil. The wait for the result that ensued was the longest in my life. The suspense is unbearable. Each second ticks away like the tick of a time bomb waiting to blast. No one would have been more surprised than me to hear my name called!! I was stumped..

Naturally I was pretty ecstatic when I  got placed. More so for the sake of shutting their big mouth than for my sake.

But , I was mistaken!!!! It is next to impossible to shut them off; they had found something else to nag about. I once again had to adorn my racing gear coz

The Race is STILL ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEASON’S GREEINGS!!!!!!!!

A really embarrassing episode happened to me in my second year of college..

Someone called me up. He asked me if I remember him. Dunno what made me, but suddenly I had a flash of recognition. Perceiving it as one of my good friend, I spoke to him.  I enquired about him parents, his recent trip to Chennai and what not.

I even asked him to pass the phone to another person – a common friend of mine and the person I was conversing with. He passed it. And I had a nice little chat with the other fellow too.  It was only in the next day that I came to know that NO FRIEND I KNOW CALLED ME!!! It wasn’t an intentional prank. Nevertheless I was fooled, big time!!  Those two , to this day I don’t know who, really cashed in on the situation. The fool that I was, didn’t realize my folly till the end.

I Practically died.. How will I ever show my face in the college. The mystery caller would have had a hearty laugh in my expense.

You too must have been fooled at least once in your lifetime. No, don’t deny it. Its very difficult to find a soul who is yet to experience it. Fool’s day is my favourite day. I like to fool and be fooled a lot. I am addicted to its excitement. There is nothing

to par the exhilaration and delight in meticulously planning and executing a prank. Seriously!!

I am childish enough to enjoy this silliness. Even writing this blog makes me a bundle of excitement and brings back memories of  hordes of hilarious incidents.

I vividly remember  another incident that happened when I was in my 11^th and prank links in email was the rage of the season. I am sure you would have got the love calculator?

Yeah!! I was fooled. I eagerly typed in my crush’s name. Imagine my shock when the screen displayed

“YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED!!!”

To make it worse, the link was sent to me by a guy to whom I have never been close with. I was mortified with embarrassment. I felt like beating myself into pulp. Over  and over again.   Phew!!!!!

Ok stop laughing. I have fooled too you know..

On a beautiful 31^st of March, me and a friend ganged upon another friend and fooled him so thoroughly.  The screenplay and direction was entirely mine. We called him as the mother of a girl he was particularly close with and interrogated him, asking his intentions and all. He was trying to act tough and casual but was nearly whimpering on phone.

Man!! It was so funny. I still laugh my head off remembering it.  This silliness and craziness  is what that lend colour to my life.

I wish I am this crazy, this silly throughout my life.

The Illogically Sensible!!!!

When you want something to happen so very badly,you begin to grope for whatever tidbits of hope thats been thrown your way,and hang on to it till the end..There was a time when i highly scoffed and ridiculed the astrology,numerology and such stuffs.I used to get into heated arguments regarding its credibility.

I dont know when the current took a u turn coz right now i am an ardent believer and follower of it.I paid a visit to one man who is a pro in numerology,just for the kick of it.I wasnt going to believe anything he say anyways.When he described my character and my past as such,I smirked and discounted it as a coincidence.But then,he narrated my future.!!

The life he sketched was a fulfillment of every dream and every wish I had.Some of it were next to impossible that I was at the verge of losing hope.

This numerolgy predictions perked me up,gave me a boost in my hope department.The senseless and the most illogical astrlogy suddenly seemed crystal clear.All the unexplained theories found its explanations…I want to believe that my wish will come true,I am ready to hang on to any branch thats been thrown my way.This astrology has got to have some science behind it na???

Numerlogy says I can do it.What do you say?
Will my wish be granted????

Abandoned Treasures

I was busy rummaging through my cupboard for one of my lost certificate. Suddenly something fell out from that mess. On further inspection, it turned out to be a card I got years back with scribblings from my friends all over it. It had once been read so frequently that its edges are practically torn. There was a time when I treasured it more than anything. Now it lay abandoned in my cupboard.

Just like the gift, I have let many persons in my life recede to the dark corners of my mind. Thanks to my parents’ line of work, I had a nomadic existence all my life. I never stayed at a place more than 6 years. In effect I have a string of friends at each place. Drawn by this tidbit from the past, I began a frenzied search for other such forgotten treasures. I didn’t know that my room was such a treasure trove!!! The souvenirs from my friends, so far left unnoticed, brought tears to my eyes.

Things I came up with moved me. A stack of letters from my friend Chitra – We were in 3^rd Std when we last met. Our letters had been filled with all the silliness of 8 year olds, the slam book entry of my 1^st crush – the oh so lovingly handled pages and words that had once been etched to my soul, the very first love letter I got -torn to pieces by my irate father ofcoz , and the list goes on.

All the sweet memories came rushing back to me. I saw all the people that I allowed to drift away from my life. Now my college days are about to end. The life as I know is about to change forever. Standing at the crossroads, I vowed to myself to make a serious effort to find all the friends I lost and keep in touch.

A bitter sweet end.

My friends would probably know about my unquenchable obsession with anything electronic. Mobiles, iPods, laptops etc. Mobiles come first though. Recently , my eyes fell and fastened upon a new model. I was dead set on acquiring it and started the proceedings required to own one.The proceedings being “pestering my dad daily” and hoping that he will break down and give in one day. My dad on the other hand is a devoted follower of “mobiles not for students” community. As soon as I open the subject he starts his preachings. God!! You know how it is with parents. They go on and on… Anyway, now since the stage is set and characters introduced, let me come to the point. One fine day, my dad presented me with the very same mobile. I dunno what drove him to buy me one, whether my constant nagging or just pure paternal love. What ever it was, I thanked my lucky stars and moved on.(Acquiring this mobile is of critical importance to me, you know )

So far everything went well, but life rarely goes smoothly right? There had to be a twist!!! A close pal of mine presented me with the same mobile. Same goddamn model too. And this person doesn’t even know about my obsession or my campaigns. What are the odds??? I was crushed. If I choose one, the other will be hurt. Either way, am trapped!!!!I just asked for one. Why do you have to give me two?

Don’t love me so much God.

I leave it to you guys to guess whom I chose. But this little episode put a cork to my mobimania.A bitter sweet end. I know, I know. Its just a mobile, it doesn’t deserve such filmy dialogues…

See? I am completely converted now…

Two States…

(Don’t fret, i am not gonna throw another review of this book at your face.:) Be patient and read on.)

In my history and civics paper, I have studied a lot about India’s unity.I dunno what the hell we are doing fighting with each other in the name of our State? Believe me when i say, M not talking about the high profile disputes like water n land problem.I am talking about the small wars among common people like us.

I highly abhor all types of discrimination that separate people.My belief is that people should be valued on the basis of their character.Only recently did i realize that these principles were just a sham.Just words to me.In the heart of heart i had been a chauvinist.I am a malayali through and through.A proud one too.I like to hear my states’ and my people’s name at the top always.This seemed a normal emotion until upto the time i left Kerala.Now i am living in Tamil Nadu.

When my friends heard that i am leaving to TN, they teased me relentlessly,calling me a ‘Pandi’ and so on.I didn’t want to go to Tamil nadu. But fate wouldn’t have it any other way.I had to come to Tamil nadu.Days passed, I mingled with people here,Made lots of friends.I thought that my aversion to everything tamil has gone away.Who was to know that it only vanished from the surface.Deep inside i still was a chauvinist.

Then something happened, something silly but something which i will never forgive myself.I came to college as any other day.A close friend of mine complimented me that i looked like a beautiful tamil girl.Dunno what came over me. I guess the ‘chauvinist me’ came into play.I reacted very strongly and said

” Ayye, i don’t wanna be a tamilian”.

Poor girl, she said so with all the good intentions.Her face fell and she left without any further words.She knew how some malayalis thought so lowly of tamilians.But would never have expected me to be one among them Even the people here have a bad opinion of us.They flee when a mallu approaches.My friend befriended me inspite of all this whereas i behaved cheaply n allowed my cheap thinkings to hurt her.I understood my mistake but could not find the right words to apologize.I am deeply ashamed of myself.To this day i am trying to make up to her.

To my friends out there who think we malayalis are far more superior than others ,I’d like to say just one thing
STOP THIS BLOODY NON SENSE!!!!!!!!!! I am living here for 6 years and i can vouch for the fact that the tamilians are more warm, friendly and helpful than anyone i have seen anywhere.They would give their right arm for the needy without a moments hesitation.So dears, i urge you to stop discriminating people based on their place of birth.Its the heart that counts. Really…..

P.S I Love You

Love is a beautiful concept.Most people are in love with the idea of being in love. But its dimensions are difficult to comprehend.The other day i saw a movie.It moved me beyond words.For me it defined another depth to love.It is not a spectacular movie nor does it have a compelling theme.Its just a love story.I was weeping right from the start till the credits.Maybe its just me, but that movie was awesome.

‘P.S. I Love You’ is a movie about a couple whose love surpasses even death. A sheaf of letters left to the wife by the dead husband helps her to face life.She finds happiness again.Those letters were the last ray of hope to her.

I know it sounds like a silly movie.I guess it struck the romantic chord in me. Such love might happen only in stories.But it gave me a scale to measure. I hope my love has this depth….

What if…?

This is one question i dread.It opens up a bundle of regrets.But its life,the only life you have.You gotta deal with whatever is dished out to you.

Ego is the deadliest of villains.It strips you of any control you might have over your actions.I guess i have my fair share of “ego”,to the point that it dictated my decisions.Decisions that cant be undone, that cost me something beautiful.It seemed sensible and logical at that moment.But once the cloud cleared,the full force of my actions hit me like a thunderbolt.I dont know if i should be ashamed or relieved.

The practical me know that my decisions were for my best, but the emotional me cries out for that unknown possibility.Its not that i regret anything,i lead a perfectly happy life.But in the weirdest of hours,out of nowhere,a question pops into my head,

WHAT IF……..?????